Thongs: Why We Can't Be Friends

Thongs are the worst article of clothing ever invented… ever.

I don’t care what anyone tells me. They suck. Impractical, uncomfortable, and overpriced are words I use to describe them. The only thing that might be “right” about their existence is the fact that “it’s like you’re wearing nothing at all.” But even this is an asinine reason to opt for wearing a thong. A) It is a lie, and B) if I wanted to be “like I’m wearing nothing at all,” I’d probably actually just wear nothing at all. Going commando is basically the same thing except you don’t have a rubber band playing a sad violin between your cheeks. Wearing a thong might look like nothing, but it sure doesn't feel like nothing (although this is an arguable point now too considering the number of times I didn’t see panty lines on someone, but I saw a thong underneath a pair of see-through Lulu Lemons, or a whale tale swimming above the waist of someone’s jeans, but anyways). You might forget you're wearing it for a little bit, but I too was able to forget my wisdom teeth extraction while it was happening if I distracted myself enough.

The other day a Victoria’s Secret catalogue showed up in my mailbox for the previous owners of the house I live in, so of course I helped myself and thumbed through the magazine. While swooning over all the colorful fabrics, shapes, and all the other stuff I have no interest in buying, I kept seeing them! THONGS! There were 19 pages in the magazine and probably 40 pictures of models and I counted only 2 pictures of models NOT wearing thongs. TWO! That’ s it! Why is this? I don’t understand. Why pick a thong over any other undergarment? There’s so many better ones out there - so many other undergarments that can accomplish way more than a thong ever could. Compression shorts are like superman in clothing form. No panty lines,it keeps in all the jiggle, and smoothes out the surfaces. They are way more practical. Have on a dress and the wind picks up a bit? I’m going to be way less concerned if my skirt flies up while wearing a pair of compression shorts than a thong. Panty hose? Granny panties? Commando? Boy shorts? All better options. No strings attached, warmer, and most importantly, comfortable.

Anyone who says they like thongs because they feel comfortable is LYING! They are not comfortable. Wearing one is like having a permanent wedgie that you cannot pick. If you try, you better prepare to dig. Doing any sort of activity of daily living, or moving, or even breathing, will cause it to migrate so far up your butt you cannot just “pick it.” You have to unzip your pants, stick your hand down the back, and peel. What kind of life is that? Also, must I remind everyone of the nasty unspoken truth behind wearing a thong? Imagine taking a sh*t and then you have to put your thong back on. I needn’t say more than that.

Now that I have thoroughly filled you with the [disturbing] feelings I have towards a certain kind of underwear, I can express how I like my clothing to support me. I have to admit it, I’m needy when it comes to underwear. I want my undergarments to be my friend, you know, give me a hug, cover me up, not make me feel like I'm being prodded, or flossed. I’m not trying to make enemies, and frankly, I feel like thongs are an enemy. Maybe someday, someone will invent some sort of pseudo-thong that can be all that I need from an undergarment, and then we can start some sort of friendship, but until then I will fervently stick to my preferred alternatives.

#Thong #Thongs #Underwear #Lies #VictoriasSecret #Clothing